It's amazing how quickly our authentic selves can be thrown into doubt when we succumb to a bit of (usually imagined) pressure...when we try to be 'good' mothers/wives/citizens/yogis instead of just being mothers/wives/citizens/yogis. I am still a bit addicted to worrying about what other people think of my children (ie 'parenting'). I'm also still a bit addicted to attempting to create perfectly well rounded offspring. The irony is this:
When I am 'trying' to do everything 'right' I inevitably end up angry, frustrated or even worse - ashamed when I fail. I see all the problems in my family and in myself and in the wee hours they loom larger than big, hulking, scary monsters in the closet. I tend to do the 'if only we had more money/time/help' thing and wish things were different, plotting ways I could improve my life/kids/house. I get snappy.
When I don't try at all, and really just have a clear personal intent and my eyes wide open to the moment at hand, I find myself rejoicing in the ways my kids are different, celebrating their quirks and talents and accepting the shade in them as that which allows there to be light. I am thankful to live in a ramshackle farmhouse with a million dollar view and creaky floorboards. I am grateful to have enough money to live well, and not so much I need to worry about investments or mortgages! I get snap-happy!
Basically, when I stop trying, I start living.
I always find this conundrum annoying as hell when I'm in the midst of it, and quite hilarious when I'm not. But I'm aware of it, so that feels like a step in the right direction....
When I am 'trying' to do everything 'right' I inevitably end up angry, frustrated or even worse - ashamed when I fail. I see all the problems in my family and in myself and in the wee hours they loom larger than big, hulking, scary monsters in the closet. I tend to do the 'if only we had more money/time/help' thing and wish things were different, plotting ways I could improve my life/kids/house. I get snappy.
When I don't try at all, and really just have a clear personal intent and my eyes wide open to the moment at hand, I find myself rejoicing in the ways my kids are different, celebrating their quirks and talents and accepting the shade in them as that which allows there to be light. I am thankful to live in a ramshackle farmhouse with a million dollar view and creaky floorboards. I am grateful to have enough money to live well, and not so much I need to worry about investments or mortgages! I get snap-happy!
Basically, when I stop trying, I start living.
I always find this conundrum annoying as hell when I'm in the midst of it, and quite hilarious when I'm not. But I'm aware of it, so that feels like a step in the right direction....
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